Marriage reflection after Easter

I am a novice and I am not breaking new ground. But I wrote this to a friend a little while ago and after a fantastic adventure last week to Costa Rica with Cristin and some friends, I reflected on it again and how much I love her:

Marriage is simultaneously more wonderful, challenging and confusing than I could have ever imagined. I think there are a myriad of differences between my marriage and any relationship I've been in. Cristin demands the real me. I was hiding in a lot of ways from true intimacy with another person and she won't let me hide. With my previous relationships, it was just not a deep relationship. I didn't give my whole self. I didn't let a girl see my wounds and how I'm broken. Which is hard because those aren't attractive things but Cristin sees that and doesn't always receive it well. Its not that she is he most accepting or gracious person, she is as much a work in progress as i am, though probably further along. But she has such acute sense of the authentic and the real, and even if it is unappealing how I am weak, she deserves to see it and make her own choice.

I hate to say it because of how bad it is looking back, but really with other serious relationships I was not real. I was just kind of guessing that I might love her, guessing that I might be in love and that I might marry her and that that was how it goes. But with Cristin I just knew. The moment I saw her. It took her a couple weeks. But she had the same realization. Ultimately I think it is a matter of choice. But there's just no mistaking that she is the perfect person to both challenge me and heal me, or destroy me. And we spend our days realizing that heaven or hell is our choice. Even with all my hangups and fears and competing desires, I choose happiness and joy when I choose her, even when my fear and anxiety, my false being within dissuades me.

And so I take my greatest step forward into my true self when I love her authentically in the way God has called me. This is the start of the kingdom in our midst and the power of two who are gathered in His name. And it is hard. But it is great.

Football Season

I've written posts about football before, but every year when training camp starts I watch this video. It's by far my favorite sports-related poem. Casey At The Bat is also good.

From Swamp to Desert

Wandering is the romantic metaphor of my generation, and for me, a personal connection as well. All of my favorite movies feature people who go on journeys with uncertain destinations, and are wanderers. But if there's one thing that the old testament teaches us it's that wandering, waiting on God, these things are not romantic or ideal. The Israelites essentially walked around and had funerals for 40 years. A quick reading of the book of Lamentations (ironically my favorite old testament book) reveals a dark and awful picture of what one may dwell in whilst waiting for God.

I used to live in a swamp. Now I live in a desert. I am wandering and wondering. I have no idea what God will do in my life. I forget easily the many things He has done, and promised. Even some of the things I have tattooed on my own body, and I ignore the messages my flesh proclaims in favor of the lies that I have believed.

Wandering is not fun if you are stuck in the same place while you're doing it. And in the desert, the barrenness of the landscape can drive one further into hopelessness than probably any other landscape is capable of. One of the allures of wandering is the cross country journey. I have bucket list items that include making the trek along the PCT as well as the Camino de Santiago.

I was just reading about the southern California portion of the PCT: "...from a hiker's point of view, one thing is true of almost all of Southern California: For 700 miles, there is too much sun and too little water." - Karen Berger. This is an apt metaphor for my life now.

There is a scarcity and desperation I feel, and the anxiety of it can be crippling if I give into it. "When you spend enough time around the chemistry of desperation, you come to recognize the smell. One desperate element is combustible. More than one desperate element is lethal." - Daryl Zero

Psalm 1:1-3

¹ Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

Oh, for a season to pass. This summer in the desert is not what I hoped or expected, but it is good to wait on the Lord, to turn inward and reveal the many wrongs in my own heart, and offer those up to Christ to be made right, To learn again at Christ's feet what it means to Do Justly, Love Mercy, and Walk Humbly with God. In the moment I write this, I can be thankful. It's an important moment to remember in the desert.

Kavanah & Yoga

Intentionality is a good modern expression for Kavanah. Pro-active is another good word that goes hand in hand. I was thinking about both this afternoon.

Lately I've been getting more into Yoga practice, and Yoga is a lot of fun. If you've never tried it I highly recommend at least once, and watch some videos on youtube to get an idea. There are some weird things associated with Yoga, and having seen the yogi's in India and how they basically pimp a two religions which can be very dark. I don't give every practice my wholehearted endorsement. We need to redeem it if we want to practice it as sons and daughters of God. But there are some things that Yoga definitely has right that we are missing out on if we don't at least get curious.

The first one is energy. My fiance, Cristin, is very tuned into energy, and can get a sense of positive or negative energy when she walks into a room. Whether you believe in that or not, it deeply effects her moods and as a part of discernment, her feelings are very reliable. Energy is what is required to fulfill our intentions. If we sent our intentions we must seek out the right frame of mind, the right energy to achieve it. If we want to align our intentions with God, we need to create space in our lives for God to work, and step into good energy so that we don't get burned out. Christ said his burden is light, because of the energy that comes with serving a good God. Any workout is going to enhance your energy, but Yoga has specific intentional things to do that. How else can we intentionally increase and make positive God energy for ourselves and others throughout our days? This is where Yichud and Kavanah become intensely practical.

The meditation piece of Yoga needs some work. The Ohms are not my thing. For a Christian we need not empty our minds, but fill it (Phil. 4:8) There is something else similar to Ohm that I like a lot more and that is Shanti. The wisdom of God is first peaceable. Shanti means peace. The reason I practice Yoga is not to be some unflappable inner peace guru. I already have a pretty good inner peace going on. The reason I like it or it helps me is because it reminds me that Peace begins within and must go outward. Blessed are the peacemakers. I have it all set aside to do a study on peace in the Bible, but I know one thing, worrying about inner peace comes from a posture of feeling threatened. Making peace outwardly comes from a posture of feeling the injustice of others. And this is what I want more than anything. To embrace the Micah 6:8 principles of life, this is my desire. I am not there yet. I often have no idea how to advocate for others, but I'm in a place now to begin to learn. And Kavanah is a key to this effort.

Yichud & Kavanah

Another two month hiatus from blogging, no promises, but I really need to be writing more. I've had something more specific to direct my writing to (ie my long-distance relationship) And so I begin this process with hopes that I will write more regularly, and hopefully more interestingly. At least until I have a job. Also, I need to get back into something I used to do all the time, which is write movie reviews. Those are available here.

Mentioned briefly in Shaping of Things to Come by Frost & Hirsch, these two principles in the title of this post are really co-essential, and they jumped out at me from the page (not just because they were italicized). Kavanah means "to pay attention, to direct mind and heart in order to maximize levels of intentionality in our actions." Yichud referes specifically to the Shema, and the oneness, or unity of God, and points to the principle of us unifying our lives under this God who is charactierized as being "one".

Many people have said it, but Rob Bell said in one of his books or Nouma videos that if anything is important to God, then Everything is important to God, because he's big enough to care about all that. To unify our lives is not to sort life into categories, Important and Trivial, Sacred and Secular, Humans and Sparrows. God cares about it all.

I have wrestled with the idea of Sunday morning church events, and how we call that worship, and there's a temple-centric, time and place oriented approach to God, and the worship of God. I have concluded that really just reinforces my cognitive dissonance between what God says and what I do. I am really bad at the principles described above. The worship center is not a large acoustically tuned room with a sounds system. The worship center is staring back at you in the mirror.

To be God's image, as we were created is a 24-7 thing, and as we approach life with Kavanah and Yichud, we don't become ascetics, or get untold health and wealth. We don't just walk on water and we don't just sink. Jesus promised life to the full. That's everything life on earth, beautiful and fallen, includes; triumph and heartache, boredom and anxiousness and complete engagement and intensity.

My only real purpose in writing this is to realize in part how seriously AND joyfully God has created this world, and how there is no change in my demeanor that is required. Only in my beliefs, in identifying the lies I believe, and in my actions, to correct those decietful practices, to do justice and treat all others with the dignity not of their actions, but of their image, which is also God's image.

On Hasty Decisions

Empty spaces filled
With words unsaid;
Anger, fear and dread,
Life's mess is spilled

Leaving longing's love
for pastures green,
Going sight unseen:
A selfish shove

Where does hope now grow?
In calling still,
Holy Spirit's fill,
Continue: Go!

Sub Merge

"Be Quiet" & "Stay in your seats" are my two most repeated phrases on a daily basis. I'm a substitute teacher in Louisiana Public Schools. Teacher is probably not the best term for my job. The schools are horrible, by and large. They just suck. There is a toxic environment which is tolerated, and often causes the interactions between teachers and students to be more like a prison than a school. The no-child-left-behind style testing leaves little room for creativity or flexibility in curriculum, and the culture tolerates places that reject the freedom of education in favor of the mandatory schooling.

While I have met many respected teachers, I am constantly an outsider, and at odds with students. Even the "good" classes attempt to break every rule under my watch, and there is no interest in learning. I am paid less than a barista, babysitter, or grocery stocker, and my hours are less consistent.

But I believe there is a purpose for my presence here in schools. I believe that if I can make a connection with one student, or improve one persons outlook, then it is worth the trouble. If I can make it through an entire class period without having to shout, that is a victory, and if I can model respect in these twisted cross-cultural settings, it may be less of a purgatory for one day. God's love was intended for the lowest common denominator of humanity. In him there is no division like the divisions of race and class and cool, that mankind has created; the divisions that mark the students in these schools. If Jesus can heal lepers, maybe I can influence these lost men and women in some small way: To give hope rather than stealing it away, and to bring peace into utter chaos. This is my daily prayer.

a poem.

A Maiden Fair

By Matthew O’Brien

For Cristin Mahaffey

~

I heard some Angels sing a song

About a maiden fair,

And what it was that made her good:

A heart exceedingly rare,

She loved and loved and never quit;

She always told the truth,

If you met her in Bible times,

You’d swear that she was Ruth,

But the world gave her heart troubles,

She cried many heavy nights,

She locked herself in darkness

And tried to shut out light,

She wandered over all the earth

With nowhere she could stay,

She hacked herself to pieces,

And gave herself away,

As the Angels sang and sang,

I started, thus, to cry,

This Maiden’s tale of sadness could

Be lived by you or I,

But when they started up again,

My broken heart did leap,

They sang of Love redeeming;

Forgiveness mountains steep,

The Maiden’s sin was paid for,

God’s own Son did affect,

He gave her, then, a new heart,

His image to reflect,

Then He set her in the sky,

A diamond in the night,

And everyone she shined upon

Saw better by her light,

She started feeling lonely,

Way up there all alone,

She asked God for another star

With whom to make a home,

So God came down to see her, and said,

“I’ve just the thing in mind,

I’ve humbled and restored him;

He’s really just your kind,”

“He’s also very different,

He might not shine as bright,

You’ll know him when you see him;

You’ll find he fits just right.”

At this my heart was pounding,

For I knew I’d seen this star,

She danced across my deepest dreams,

Enchanting from afar,

And now I write this silly verse,

To you, My Darling Sweet,

For now in truth, I do believe,

Two stars can, happy, meet.

Pluralism

Aa a chaplain I have gotten extremely used to conversing about pluralism, as it is the environment in which I minister. It is, I believe, the environment in which we all minister. The Churches refusal to acknowledge this leads to a divisive conservatism that alienates and destroys credibility. The beauty of Pluralism is that it allows, even demands interfaith dialogue. Conservatives seem to be so obsessed with portraying the superiority of their religion, that they neglect the open seat at the table of ideas, and their opportunity for authentic discussion and consideration of others.

Michael Frost and Alan Hirsch in their book The Shaping of Things to Come make specific note that there seem to be two theories of how to encounter any culture, and in our western world, it is a culture of pluralism. One can attempt to create walls, and further barriers to God, in hopes of keeping the culture out, or one can venture into the culture and create wells, centers of life that people cannot help but stay away from. By necessity, we must be people of the well, joining a diverse and global community, living a faith that is not agreeable to people, but doing it in such a way that communicates love and respect despite our differences. Pluralism is not affirming other people's faith, it is affirming their right to believe. And without that, the church as it is today would not be possible.

Zen

A while ago, someone pointed out to me that there is a quality to my discourse, even to my faith that seems more like Zen than Christianity. I think that is worth noting, because, as I examine thought patterns such as the tao, I believe there is truth that is there, though I believe there are also lies that must be discerned.

Zen, especially as I have begun to practice yoga has a great deal of appeal to me. Being an Enneagram 9, my highest value is being at peace, both within and without. "Holding center in the midst of chaos" is one of my favorite phrases from my favorite yoga routine. I think there is a similarity in the cathartic nature of meditation and the open-handed mentality, and releasing things to God that my faith calls for.

However, the emphasis and end state of these ways of thinking are not compatible. Zen seeks nothingness, emptiness being it's own goal. Christ calls us to be renewed, to die (shivasana) that we might be raised, and to fill our minds with the goodness and love of God. The peace of Christ allows us not only to be at peace within ourselves, but to go forth into the world as peacemakers.

This is the difference between the peaces. Peace of mind retreats inward, Peace of Christ launches out into the lives of others, not passively letting them go, "dropping weight", but embracing them in love, bearing their burdens, and making peace. I believe this is in part what God is calling me to do, but it is always a struggle to step out of myself. So much of this lines up with my enneagram results. It has been truly challenging to grow through and I continue today to step into awareness, and embrace others in peace.

School

There are a lot of differences between being in middle school and teaching it. I have never really thought much about my early education, but I never really knew much about my teachers. I just accepted that there were my teachers. I don't remember thinking about the personal life or normal non-school activities of my teachers. I viewed them as very 1-dimensional.

Someone just pointed out to me that this may mbe a much more west-coast mono-generational way of looking at things. As kids in Louisiana ask all sorts of questions about me, are they just being irritating and curious, or do they expect to relate to their teachers as people, not just teachers?

I don't know, but I tend to be a very accepting person, and sometimes that is to my detriment, so maybe it's a healthy curiosity. Either way, Louisiana kids are not very good at staying task :(

Lent

This year I'm celebrating Lent for the first time, and I'm actually going about it in kind of an extreme way, rather than in a small or simple way. Which might lead to problems in being successful. I've always been a lofty goals type of person, and somewhat of an extremist.

So today, I begin the journey of Lent. I went to a catholic mass for the first time (unless you count catholic field services back when I was a Chaplain for ROTC cadets, which I don't) and it happened to be the Ash Wednesday today.

The homily was very good, it was essentially that Lent is a celebration, not a hardship. It is a celebration of the sufficiency of Jesus Christ for sinners, and an opportunity for us to step into the redemption process, and to grow in ways that God wants us to grow as people, through denying that which may distract or threaten us, and embracing that will enhance and challenge us.

So, I don't feel like listing my Lent stuff in full, the two main things are that 1) I will be attempting to blog everyday. 2) Cristin and I are doing a Paleo Diet Cleanse. I'm very excited about the opportunities to grow through these challenges, and to enbrace a more disciplined life than before.

Right now I'm more excited about this than I was about Mardi Gras, which was a complete success full of awesome people and good times. Also, I've been horrible about taking pictures since I moved here, and that's not a Lent thing, but I am going to take out and charge my camera, so that might start happening.

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am messed up. Life is this awful mess, just a 7-layer dip of emotions and sinfulness, and somewhere in it you have plunged, like the Dorito chip of life, like a divine instrument of deliverance, to fetch my perishing ass. I love chaos too much. Genesis 1:2 is me, a pandemonium of cyanide cocktails and death-dealing blows to the head, a senseless rubrich of all that is wrong.

And Yet, Christ is for me. I know that, like an undeniable fact, but not a mere fact. It is a riot of positive energy overtaking my like the fog. There is nowhere to run from your awesome love and goodness when I commune with you, when I surrender and come in, it's as though I've known an old friend from before the war. Like a grandma in a cookie kitchen, you welcome me in, take care of m

e, put me at ease, and comfort my broken heart. You restore me to a good conscience, and break the bonds that hold me fast. Your love opens all doors, restores all walls, builds all foundations anew, desires all

good, and magnifies all that is glorious and honorable. You are the only Blessing and in you are all blessings.

God give me strength that I cannot claim as my own, clarity like light, and a heart that won't give up. You love me so much, allow me to hurt with love for others, and alert my conciousness to your sublime presence in all things.

Writing

ANNOUNCEMENT:

I am hoping to get back into the spirit of blogging by posting a lot more, my hopefully faithful handful of readers.

Probably at the expense of quality.

That is all.

Jesus and Religion

So this video is blowing up on youtube, and while many commentators have pointed out some of its more obvious flaws, I thought I'd just post about it.

Apart from one of the worst quotables "I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin', 'Quit putting on a fake look!' That's called judging, friend.

So, obviously the problem is that he doesn't really clearly define religion. Because religion could be defined in a lot of different ways. Most everyone does something religiously, be it watch sports, drink coffee, go to church, whatever. The question to me isn't are you religions, but are you religious about what you say you believe in? He also talks about Christ's obediene, the object of which is true religion, and that is defined in James 1:26-27, Micah 6:8, and a variety of other scriptures.

In a way it's almost like he's saying he hate religion, because religion is religious about the wrong things, and you should be religious about Jesus. But then he says being religious about Jesus means being religious about doing works and abstaining from behaviors. So, maybe that's just what I'm hearing but, it sounds horribly confusing with the language he uses.

Also, I think this guy resonates with a lot of millenials who have horrible experiences with institutions, politics and cultures, but not with what James calls true religion, which addresses all the issues this guy raises.

That's all. Oh, one of the critique videos by TheAmazingAtheist had a hilarious bit in it about how what this guy was saying made no sense, and was as much hype as any commercial on TV. When you replace "Jesus" with "Coke", and "Religion" with "Soda" in parts of his discourse, you really see what he means.

Just some thoughts, trying to get back into the blog swing.