So I'm dating a girl now, which might be news to two of the people that read this, it's been a fun journey the last two years since I've been actively dating, and I finally found a fun, sweet, beautiful girl that has the misfortune of liking me back, so, boom, dating. I met her through a website called "eharmony" which was an all together interesting experience. In total I think I met 20+ women from the sight and I went on a real actual date with about a dozen. I rejected or was rejected by over 1000. I want to make concessions about how some girls were really great, and the circumstances just didn't work out, but, that's more because I want to see myself as the hero. If I felt a connection with someone and didn't pursue them, then that was my decision, so it still counts, even though it wasn't an "outright" rejection.
Obviously this is kind of a "fake" way of doing things in the sense, that, if some of those women had met me in person instead of seeing my online profile, (which according to one girl who met me anyway was "not very good.") or if I had met them in person, "organicly", we would not reject each other instantly and never speak to one another. And there's probably no way based on my lifestyle that I could possibly meet or even see that many women without the assistance of a dating sight. I've never even gone to a bar to meet women. This is a flexible reality, a wormhole through which I am seeking to find a mate. And so you learn to make snap decisions based on extremely limited information, and you judge by a few pictures whether you're attracted to them.
What bothered me a LOT about the process was that the site is designed to put people into competition with one another. You can even tell by the frequency of contact, whether another person is pursuing more than one potential mate. I'm not sure if this is as much a problem for girls, but it's definitely something guys do all the time. I took a vow (I know, a "vow", it just got REAL) to not compare women to one another in my online endeavors, or really in my life. Even when I was meeting multiple girls in a weekend, I was just going to treat each person as a unique experience.
Competition and comparison are so ingrained in us as a culture, that this probably sounds weird. I wasn't going to reject one girl because she "wasn't as pretty" as another, or "I didn't have as much fun as with someone else." I think this is the root of totally objectifying women, and is not a healthy way to choose a mate. The reason I realize this now is because through my twitter and facebook account there flows a constant stream of comparative and superlative language that defines our relationships. Which in a way, is kind of insulting, because you're unconciously saying that your connection with a person is worthwhile because it's stronger than your connection with someone else. Which to me, is meaningless. I'm kind of an idealist, and kind of a pragmatist, and yes, I have arguments with myself. I'm dating the girl I'm dating now because I think she is beautiful, smart, kind, funny, and really I could go on for a while. But it literally has nothing to do with anything anyone else does or is. I like her for her. It has taken time and conscious effort to feel that way about anyone. I also think this comparative way of rating people is the reason cheating is so common.
Maybe I'm totally off, maybe when everyone uses comparative language, it's just idiomatic. One of my longstanding family jokes is every time my mom does something wonderful, even the smallest things, I tell her she's "the best." As if I could compare my mom to anyone as a mom. It has nothing to do with her being better than any one else. It's because she's MY mom. Saying "you're the best" is a joke because being the best is nowhere near good enough to describe how I feel about my mom. Superlative language is limited to the field of comparison. (Using comparative language to analyze how we rate things is ironic, so two points to you if you were able to catch me in that little self-referential snare).
I have had some weird dating experiences, and I have been (foolishly) in love with other girls. The other day I was talking to a friend who was mourning a failed attempt at love, but in the phase where he might start dating again, and we were discussing potential love interests. He told me that he thought that a couple girls were nice, but he didn't feel towards them the way he felt towards his former girlfriend. I submit that you never will feel that way again. That was a unique experience, tailored to you two as unique individuals. You'll never feel exactly the same way about two girls in your life. That's not the point of those relationships. I'll never feel about Elise how I felt towards any other girl. It's not better or worse. It's just different. And being with Elise is a wonderful, wonderful experience.
I'm not sure if this captures my thoughts exactly, typing it out before church while I'm sick and operating on 4 hours sleep. But I'll post it all the same.
