We are well past half way of this year of CPE. I've learned a lot already, and it felt difficult to even articulate my new learning goals. I am at the overwhelmed by everything and the nothingness of all things apart from now. I hope it's just a phase.
My time visiting patients has been amazing, there are already too many stories to remember or recount and for secure information reasons, I won't be recounting them here, but there are inspirations. It really is true how profoundly everything around us affects us. People don't come from nowhere. There's a million neurons behind every troubled brow. And people will always need kindness, light, and love in order to make meaning out of suffering.
On a personal note, we're moving! we have had disruptive and disrespectful neighbors for almost 5 months now, and it is painful, but we finally found a new place. It was a really great experience to have gone through all the styles of grief towards them, and to have been strong, assertive and respectful in the face of people I would rather not be around.
Speaking of punching ignorant people in the face, the other day I had a weird encounter with another person. It was an uber driver in an SUV, we had both started driving down the same narrow road towards each other. He pulled slightly to the side but the opening wasn't big enough for me to sneak by. I sat and waited until he got out of his vehicle and aggressively tried to assert that I should either go through the opening, or pull over/back up myself to let him pass. I felt this eerie sense of self-control come over me, and repeated that he needed to calm down, get back in his vehicle and back up in order for me to pass as I had the right of way. He called me names and then finally relented. It was infuriating, and strange, but I felt like there was no reason to do anything but be patiently assertive and insistent. It was out of body.
I'm not one for nostalgia and I don't think the world is worse off now than is used to be. It's always been messed up, dark and twisted. I led a sheltered life in my youth, and I'm feeling a bit fragile these days, but I feel strengthened by kindness and community, by loving relationships, and by my faith and personal practice.
I guess by way of update, Cristin is managing to get along. She's been disturbed of sleep and had more pain when she doesn't sleep. We are hopeful for a new living arrangement. We are very excited to teach a workshop on Grief and Community next month. It's been a lot of work, but very rewarding, and we love working together. We also reflect on how thankful we are to be in San Francisco. This chapter may not last much longer, but we truly enjoy this ridiculously expensive city. My parents came to visit this month and it was a lot of fun. Meeting up with our people who come to visit us here in the city is the best excuse to go out and try new places, or show off the things we love about San Francisco.
Next steps in life, I am focused on what will happen after residency. I hope to start a program that will certify me as an educator to teach the CPE program that I'm currently a student. If not, I hope to find a chaplain job, and as a last ditch, I could try to do a second year of CPE, but that won't really pay anything more than now, which is not much. Wish me luck in getting accepted to these things and then deciding.
That's it for now!
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